Some days you just gotta eat dessert!
Today is that day for me. Im not a food junky nor am I a health freak, I’d place myself somewhere in the middle. Mostly neutral with food, eating it as fuel and yet enjoying the process. That statement alone is powerful as I was an anorexic teen ager and struggled into adulthood until I healed. But that is a story for another day.
Today I just want to eat dessert! Want or need, hmmm?
A skill I’ve learned through out life is to actually slow down and “read” my body, asking good questions.
Am I hungry? Thirsty? Overwhelmed? Joyful? Lonely? Or possibly just tired.
That’s my truth today, I’m tired, deep tired, deep in my soul. Not depressed, not grumpy or overwhelmed……tired. So now I ask another good question to myself, what has caused this tired state?
Well that’s a great question!
I live a blessed life, with a wonderful husband, two grown kids, a beautiful daughter in-law and 6 amazing grand kids. My sibling relationships are solid and healthy and even in COVID able to keep up friendships. We work physically whether it is landscaping, home and yard Renos and yep, that can make me tired. But physical tired and this soul tired are not one and the same.
When I still my mind and heart I know the source of this fatigue that plaques me and it bring sorrow along with it. My Mom is dying. It’s not a fun fact but a true one. She is 91 years old and failing quickly. This is a new experience for me to be apart of her final days as my father had a heart attack and was gone. With my Mom it is a slow yet steady decline. Her frail little body is balanced out with her frail mind. It’s really a cruel thing Alzheimer’s does to people we love. She has moments that are lucid but mostly she is trapped in her disease and she knows she is trapped.
Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE that has ever met my Mother comments on how sweet she is. Never in all my years did I ever hear her raise her voice or be anything but calm and loving. That’s a legacy! Not a wealthy woman but abundantly rich in all the ways that matter. Full of the Spirit of Love.
Her 91st birthday was in March. Since we missed the special 90th one with COVID restrictions we did this one up great! It was cool outside but pleasant enough to bring her out for pictures and to celebrate her. She had so much fun that day with all the people she loves……and we loved on her.
So that’s why i’m tired. I will missed her when she is gone and cherish every moment I get. The heartache will come, I know, but for now I live in the moment and soak them all in to be pulled out and cherished later.
One day recently we went for a walk around the lake near by, looking at the ducks and geese. Checking out the ants as they crossed our path and she was thrilled with the flower my sister picked for her. A bright yellow dandelion which in her eyes was wonderful.
All this waiting and wondering makes one tired. If I want to build into another I can’t have an empty cup. As I ask myself the questions, what does my soul need? I just want to eat a yummy homemade, from the garden dessert.
So today, i’m treating myself to a homemade rhubarb strawberry crisp. Old fashioned dessert that somehow just feels right.
UPDATE: Since I wrote this post my Mom has passed away.
Im sad and miss her but know for certain that she is now at peace. And we loved while we could.